If you have been following the blog for a while you may recall a blog post about genetic testing and our (read 'my') need to have more children in our life. If you would like to catch up or re-read about the sagas of genetic testing and then actually getting the results back you can read here and here.
We did finally have our appointment in December but it has taken me this long to bury my head in the sand, come out long enough to mention to Mum that we had had it, put my head back in the sand, mull it over for a while, probe my husband for his thoughts, mull some more and then finally have an adult conversation with Steven about it......and now I'm here....sharing it with strangers. Why? Because this is the place where I can be real. And posting stuff here is sometimes very cathartic....Sometimes.
After a huge build up of cancelled appointments and missing results we are no better off. There. It's said....now I can go eat chocolate. Oh, you want more than that? Okay then.
We saw an independent Geneticist who said that they were able to find nothing out of the ordinary in Ayla's testing. Sounds good, doesn't it? It's not. The key words here are "able to find". The testing is only so good and if they were able to look further it's likely that they would find something. But they're not able to at this point and who knows how long until they can. The Geneticist did, however, say that he felt our chances of recurrence were more likely in the vicinity of 1 in 10 rather than 1 in 4. It's not really much better if you ask me. He said that Bilateral Frontal Polymicrogyria is rare.....and then I very gently reminded him that rare things happen....clearly. Around the same time as this appointment we were also reminded that lightning does in fact, strike twice. A friend of ours who has a little boy with a disability due to premature birth went into premature labour again. Even earlier than with her son and this new baby, a little girl, has had a major brain bleed. Apparently, the news for the future is looking very challenging. Yes, this is a very different situation to ours. But when in 'our situation', it's rather confronting.
So where does that leave us? Right back at our original spot of having to choose not to have another. There are options....lots of different options. It's funny (not ha ha funny) that none of these options come without the possibility of some pretty heavy emotional tolls on one or both of us....and possibly others if we gain enough courage to ask. Just stuff we need to work through I guess.
One of the options is ringing loudly in my head and that option is one of donor gamete/s. In other words donor egg and/or donor sperm. So f*%$ing clinical. It's not meant to be this way. Babies are supposed to made in the moment that 2 individuals share absolute and unconditional love, not in a test tube!! But it may be the only way. We're kinda leaning toward donor egg. It's my feeling that men really struggle to bond with babies in utero and even in the first few months whereas women tend to begin their bonding from the moment they realise they are pregnant. I'd like to think that using Steven's sperm would make the bonding easier on him.
Then again, donor eggs aren't just available like sperm is. It's such a process that a woman has to go through to have her eggs 'harvested' - nice huh? Apparently, the wait can be 2 or more years unless we have a willing donor. To be honest, I think I would prefer to know my donor rather than go anonymous but then you are led into a whole other realm of emotional STUFF. How do you ask someone....Hey! Can you go through months of hormone treatment, possibly put on weight and go through some serious mood swings and then at the end of all that, let a specialist likely to have the bedside manner of gnat, harvest your eggs to give to me? It's not the easiest question. And I am more than a little aware that, although 'the chosen one' may be absolutely willing, there is still some pretty heavy STUFF that she will need to work through.
So, that's where we are at. Teetering on a precipice. Hoping that the decisions we make aren't selfish, messy or thoughtless to one another, to Ayla or to anyone else.
Yay!!! We broke a record today! Three Wee's and Two Poo's in the potty...Woo hoo!
It's all in the timing at the moment but I am guessing that's what it is all about when you first start...and if it's not, then don't tell me! Don't burst my bubble. I would much rather remain totally ignorant :)
I must say though, that both Steven and I have witnessed Ayla determinedly rolling toward the potty, placed her on it and she has done a wee....so maybe she is trying to tell us sometimes. There have also been plenty of times that she has rolled to the potty and there has been no wee.....Alright! I'm imagining it....sigh
Okay...Everyone take a deep breath in.....hold it.....and give a big sigh of relief out....Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Houston, we have a Kindy Girl!
I am so relieved right now. In the lead up to this week I have been wondering what little unpleasant surprises would be awaiting me on Ayla's first day at Kindy. You know, things like "Would they change their mind about her enrolment?", "Would inclusion support add just one more requirement that sent the kindy over the edge...never to enrol Ayla again?", "Would Ayla get so upset and not sleep and completely disrupt ALL of the other kids and the kindy tell me she wasn't ready?". I even rang Fingerprints the day before just to check that Ayla was "All good to go tomorrow".
Nothing.....no changes to her enrolment, no more requirements from Inclusion Support, no tears....just a little disruption at sleep time on Day 1.
But Day 2 was even better! Ayla actually went to sleep! It was only 30 minutes but she went to sleep. No tears, no frustration. She just quietly played for 10 minutes and then went to sleep. The kindy called my phone at 1.45pm, which sent the butterflies madly spiralling around inside me...just for a moment, but only to tell me they were so excited because Ayla was asleep and to TAKE MY TIME getting back there....Really? Cool!
Aaaahhhhh. This really could be a fantastic year afterall.
It also appears that Ayla is really loving Kindy, despite us not being with her. The teachers said that she had a great time. At home, there were big smiles at the mention of Kindy and on Day 2, Ayla squealed and giggled all the way there.
On a side note....I had a really good day too. I did the grocery shopping all by myself and actually finished it in one go. Kinda like a mother who has a 4 year old that goes to Kindy...Life is Good.
Excitement (and exhaustion) abound in our house today. We held our Bunnings Fundraising BBQ yesterday at Nerang. The day was fantastic, raising just under $1000 for Ayla's ABR But that's not all that has created excitement in our house. We're excited and humbled and blessed and extremely thankful for the wonderful show of support that we had for the BBQ. Friends, family and the amazing team at Wealthfarm Financial Planning all descended on Bunnings yesterday, helping out on the Barbie or just rocking up to buy a sausage. We had good friends from our Mountain home come down early to get the day started. Thanks so much Mark and Mick. Mum and Dad came down from Bundaberg to help out. At one point we had 6 members of the Wealthfarm team manning our stall at one time. I found myself standing back lost for words at their show of support and feeling more than a little emotional at how blessed we were to have them.
Bec, Nicole and my Aunt and her friend came on for the afternoon shift and clean-up and our friend Heather arrived in the afternoon to help too only to find that there were plenty of hands to help finish the afternoon off. Thanks Heather for offering your help....sorry we sent you home :)
And still, the excitement doesn't end there...but this is also where the terror comes in. On Thursday, I received an email to advise me that I had finally been successful in my application to have a stall at Mathilda's Market!!!!! What's that? Only one of the most exclusive Baby and Kids Designer Markets in the COUNTRY!!!! And my little fundraising venture, Don't Tell Mamma, will be there trying to keep up and mix it with the big fish...enter little nervous giggle. I'm very excited and VERY TERRIFIED!!! I have next to no stock after Christmas and only 1 month to produce oodles of stock that hopefully will meet and exceed expectations. Wish me luck and don't be surprised if I appear to be missing over the next 4 weeks.....
We have been really lucky to have drawn a place for a Bunnings Fundraising BBQ this Saturday 16 January....lucky because apparently another group cancelled and lucky because our special friend Nicole put in an application letter for us...Thanks Nicole!
So from 8am until 3.30pm we will be selling yummy organic and gluten-free sausages at Bunnings Nerang. I have Mum and Dad coming down from Bundaberg to help out and have had a couple of offers of help from friends/family too.
So, if you're in the area, please come down and join us for a sausage and help raise funds for Ayla's ABR therapy.
I'm sure that I will partaking in a sausage or three....YUM!
I have a really eclectic mix of a whole lotta nothin' on this blog....and now I'm going to add something else.....a recipe.
How does this relate to Ayla? She likes the Banana one...not so fussed with the Mango. What am talking about? Something super decadent, super indulgent, super duper YUMMY! And absolutely healthy...seriously, as a Naturopath, I would be happy for my clients to indulge in this daily or even more than that! It is a fruit 'gelati' that really does only take 2 minutes from ingredients to your tastebuds and is 98% FRUIT.
Mango 'Gelati' Frozen Mango pieces (equivalent of 1 mango) 1 tablespoon of milk 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
Whizz all this up in a food processor or blend until it resembles soft serve. EAT!
Banana 'Gelati' 2 Frozen Bananas chopped up 1 tablespoon of milk 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Whizz up in the food processor or blender until it resembles soft serve. EAT!
She does look a little frustrated in this photo....but seriously this post is more about me.....Me Me Me. I'm Frustrated.
Ayla woke this morning in a seemingly good mood but from breakfast on I have had tantrums, whingeing, whining, grizzling, no sleep, a bit more grizzling and now I'm at the point where I just want to flee the house...without her!
I can tune out...to a point but eventually the constant whining batters its way through all of the walls you put up to protect your sanity.
I'm frustrated because I have listened to non-stop whining, crying and tantrums all day. I'm frustrated because Ayla can't tell me what the problem is. I'm frustrated because I can't get anything crossed off my 'To Do' list that is currently a mile long and seemingly getting longer by the minute. I'm frustrated because not even a bath or pikelets have tempered her mood. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to help or fix whatever is the problem. I'm frustrated that, even as I sit here typing and venting, there is no relief to the frustration because the whining continues.
I know that none of this is Ayla's fault. I know that its all about my perception of the situation. I know that tomorrow will be different....it better be. And I know that our situation is a whole lot better than a lot of other families. But when Steven gets home at 3:00.....I'm outta here.....I'm going grocery shopping by myself!!!! Anonymous! No Whingeing!!!